The Love Dilemma

- Yeap, my life is just full of dilemmas

(Terminology defined: It is without doubt that the word "love" come in an array of definitions and connotations. For simplicity's sake, the word "love" in this post shall refer to the conventional Romeo & Juliet "love" unless otherwise specified.)

Many believe that the expression of love is beyond words; that one cannot simply explain why one falls in love, one just does; and that love is integral to one's happiness. I once believed such too.

As of year 2010, I shall now articulate my prevailing thoughts on love.

I have two prevailing notions:

Notion 1:

That perhaps there is such a love that is random - that no factors (personality, attractiveness, age, etc) can possibly determine who or what one falls in love with; that one just does. That perhaps there is such a love that is unconditional - I would be able to accept all "his" flaws or to see them as strengths and "his" happiness would be my greatest source of happiness.

That one day, I will meet that someone, that multiple ones, or that thing... with which I will fall in love with; unconditionally. And upon falling in love, I will experience utter bliss.

I just need to find that person(s)/thing.

Unlikely to be true. Though I do hope that it is.

Notion 2:

This notion is more scientifically substantiated than the former, and is indeed more viable; hence shall be used to determine my future actions.

"We so desperately want love to come, yet we have a myriad of criteria as to how it should come - a certain age range, a certain degree of attractiveness, a certain set of personalities (compatibility in essence)".

I noticed that there are some "qualities" that we like (favorable), and some that we don't (unfavorable). [Whether or not a quality is favorable is obviously subjective and based on one's preferences]. I noticed that we attempt to find someone with as many favorable qualities. I also noticed that sometimes we accept unfavorable qualities but sometimes we don't (the "deal breakers" - beyond a certain age, certain qualities, etc).

The last observation is key. Why do we accept some unfavorable qualities but not others? When do we accept unfavorable qualities and when not?

My personal answer to that question is the foundation of the notion. My current (2010 version) verdict is as follows:

It is probable that love [for family, friends, partners] is evolutionary in nature (this is not new to many) - to not be alone, to mate, and to care for our offspring. Hence, we have a desire to love. If the person we love exhibits a favorable quality, then all goes well. If the person we love exhibits a unfavorable quality, our brain has to decide on whether to stop loving the person or to somehow reconstruct the circumstances to make the unfavorable quality bearable.

The latter option can come in many forms, and is key to this notion. Below are two examples of how the latter can be achieved:

A. To spend less time with the person or to have a less intimate association to a degree where the unfavorable quality can be tolerated/accepted. This is when partners become friends, or when close friends become less close.

B. Two words - cognitive dissonance. By not avoiding the conflict as in example A, our brain is powerful enough to make the unfavorable quality bearable or even favorable. To me, this is why so many arranged marriage can seemingly produce so much happiness - since they have no choice (due to social norms) but to stay together, their brains have no choice but to face the conflict. This is why parental love to me is seemingly more unconditional than all others - since (due to social norms or even evolutionary desires), they cannot abandon their child, and hence have to face the conflict and experience cognitive dissonance.

Hence, depending on the circumstances and the specific unfavorable quality, the brain will either choose to avoid the conflict (option A) or to face the conflict and experience cognitive dissonance (option B). I guess this would answer the question as to why some unfavorable qualities are accepted (i.e. snoring) and others (i.e. cheating) not.

With that in mind, comes the conclusion of this notion:

Since it is near impossible to find someone with only favorable qualities at all times and at all circumstances (especially for me who changes so often), the ideal love that I once so fervently sought after can only be achieved through cognitive dissonance. If such is the case, then I can finally stop looking for a partner. Since I so desperately long for a partner with only favorable qualities, with the power of cognitive dissonance, I can convince my brain to be contented and happy with an imaginary boyfriend who possess ONLY favorable qualities irrespective of time and circumstances! With such a partner, I don't even need to go through the heartaches commonly experienced by others who have "real" partners.

Epilogue:

Sometimes, I truly believe that it might be easier to just live life without putting too much thought into everything. *Sigh* But I cannot. I cannot live without thinking; ironically thinking might be the reason why I don't want to live. What a joke.